“I hold a shield of condemnation and a sword of betrayal.
I travel on the train of trust that has finally been derailed.
I know the pain of loss as if it were my very veil and I accept my lot to never succeed but always fail.
This is my creed the motive of my being.
I never set my roots, I’m in constant fleeing cause I’m constantly seeing the destruction I cause.
A force to be reckoned with and yet I reckon it comes from deep within, some dark place drenched with sin.
I attempt to wrench the thing out and yet I start to understand what it’s about as it whispers sweet nothings in my ear.
Year after year I listen to this fear, this comforting security that’s appeared seems to drag my soul to depths unknown whether sitting on the bus or in an empty bath, fully clothed at home.
With only my thoughts and voices bringing forth all my wrong choices, my mistakes.
If only I could forsake my past and take up a new path I would see this farce before it got too far but no, I do not.
I cannot relinquish this cold deathly kiss of the dark, inconsolable abyss, this clenched fist around my heart, this dark, dart of despair that has become my comfort and the defining feature in my conceptual lair.
A fair beauty in my eyes but others behold deception and lies.
Is it true that I’m blind?
Blinded by my own misery and shame, made lame by this self made rod of pain.
Why do I punish my inner being for being in or for seeing the truth?
For not being aloof but for making me see that my comfort is false.
For it’s the Holy Spirit in me that keeps my head focused, He exhibits the love needed to vanquish the locusts that have bred and multiplied leading me to believe my life is too defiled for God to accept any offering, other than sing and maybe dance.
And so I run from God.
But running from God just enhances the disasters plaguing my life.
I could choose to wallow in strife or run to God and receive love and life.
So I run to my Father, God, when I’ve had enough of my lies and selfishness, when I accept my mess is too big for me and I stop trying to dig myself free.
You see, that is how my disasters become dissolved.
Now I must resolve my heart to stay on things true, like love, joy and hope, even through the depression and self-hate I find the ability to demonstrate the elated spirit that comes from running to God.
Not forced but over-flowing, fully knowing God is there holding onto me.
He cares more than I dare to believe and it humbles me, how time and again He can be such a faithful Father and Friend.
When I lose sight He tells me “everything’s gonna be alright, every thing’s gonna be okay” cause that’s His way.
Day after day after day He is the Unchangeable, the Unmistakable Creator of Love, not sitting in the heavens above staring down but through His Son walks with us on this very ground.
Love abounds whenever He is near but don’t fear cause He’s always near when we’re here.
His Love is in us.
No matter our circumstance or situation He’s patiently waiting for us to realise He wants to show us His Love.
I have found nothing more accepting, nothing more directing, nothing more perforating than the Father’s Love.
And for that I am glad.